How do mothers feel with their daughters?

Parents and children8 things that poison the mother-daughter relationship

The relationship with our own mother often shapes us the most. So it is not surprising that it influences our life and the development of our personality the most - for better or for worse. That means: If the relationship is full of warmth, security and love, it has a positive effect on us. Instead, if these essentials are lacking, the daughter can suffer. If the mother-daughter relationship is characterized by one or more of the following maternal behaviors, it can poison the bond between them.

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Rejection

When you do something that you are proud of, the first thing you have - especially as a child - is the need to tell mom about it. In an intact relationship, the mother praises her and is proud of her child.

Instead, some mothers are dismissive. They downplay what the child is telling them or do not even go into it. Studies have shown that these children doubt their own needs well into adulthood.

They believe they deserve no attention and harbor self-doubts - while deep down they yearn for love and reassurance. The daughters of dismissive mothers believe that their voice does not count, that their opinion is worthless.

This feeling is reinforced if the child cannot make himself heard, the mother never asks how he is. Dismissive mothers may ask what the daughter would like to do over the weekend. If they get an answer, it is ignored and the mother's plans are carried out. This rejection collides with the daughter's natural need to seek (and find) closeness to the mother.

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control

If the mother is too dominant, the daughter does not feel recognized, not valued. This is not about checking sleep or television times, but about them meticulous control of the smallest, most intimate things: What the daughter is allowed to say and what not (e.g. to relatives). How to behave (e.g. in public). What to choose (e.g. when eating).

The reasons given by these mothers are always the same: "It's only for your best."

Consequence: These daughters lose the Ability to make decisions independently, Classify and evaluate situations. Instead, they are dependent on the decision and opinion of their mothers, become dependent on them and need their guidance.

 

Emotional distance

Mothers who develop emotional distance from their daughters leave scars on their daughters' souls.

Emotional distance is expressed Lack of physical closeness (such as hugs, kisses, cuddles), but also through a lack of compassion, for example when the child is crying. These deficiencies let the daughters starve to death emotionally: They naturally demand the feelings of their mothers - but they are denied them.

In adulthood, these emotionally insecure daughters tend to be to cling to one's own relationships and always seek emotional confirmation from partners and friends.

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entanglement

There are mothers who do not see their relationship with their daughters for what it is, namely a relationship between two people. Instead, they live through their daughters, encouraging them to achieve goals, to be successful - as if their two lives were tangled, mother's and daughter's.

This affects the daughter's feeling to be an independent person, to develop an individual self. The feeling of freedom is often not very pronounced in these daughters.

 

Contentiousness

Mothers who make their daughters bad are overly critical of them, envy them or compete with them, often start or provoke arguments. The biggest disadvantage for the daughters: the mothers have more leverage - especially as long as the daughters are not yet of legal age.

The daughters internalize those words most intensely that come from the mouth of their mothers. This verbal (and thus emotional) abuse is dangerous because it has a very strong impact on the daughter's character development. Most of the time, these mothers consider their criticism necessary - without actually being. Often these daughters feel worthless and powerless - for the rest of their lives.

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unreliability

A mother's unreliability is especially difficult for children to cope with. They never know whether or not they can rely on the mother, trust her or not. The same applies to unpredictability: if the mother is negative and critical of the daughter one day, but courteous and friendly the next day - both for no apparent reason.

This uncertainty that the daughter feels in the process can take on enormous proportions. The daughter never learns to assess what to expect, how to behave. If the daughters cannot find a reason for the mothers 'unpredictable behavior, they also look to themselves to blame for it, until they feel guilty, if not responsible, for the mothers' behavior. This reflex to seek blame in oneself can become entrenched in the personality and come back every time something bad happens to her in life.

 

Egocentricity

Self-centered to narcissistic mothers see the children as their appendages - if they even notice them. She tries to adapt her daughter to her own life - and for this she tries to shape it so that it fits in, without "disturbing". This usually only works through manipulation and control.

Narcissists are usually unable to develop empathy. Instead, they really care what other people think of them and say; how they affect other people.

An egocentric mother's relationship with her daughter is only superficial - after all, she is the most important person to herself. In their eyes, the daughter should only contribute to feeling better and appearing in a better light.

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Role reversal

Some mothers are "weak." They may not be able to cope with their lives, have difficulties finding their place in the world, and (everyday) problems to cope with. Often their daughters have to do these tasks at a young age, take care of the mother. There is a kind of "role reversal" in which the daughters are responsible for maternal care.

This case often occurs when a woman becomes a young mother and has not yet had "enough time" to find her way around life before she can take responsibility for a child.

The children of such mothers already learn at primary school age to cook for themselves and their mother, to do the laundry, to tidy up the apartment and, if necessary, to take care of younger siblings. Often these are overwhelmed mothers very grateful for the help of their children, they seem to represent a kind of "solid as a rock" - the hold in their (mostly turbulent) life.

These daughters feel deprived of their childhood in adulthood. They had to grow up quickly and act sensibly, take on responsibility, had little time to just be a child, to romp, to play, to do nonsense.

 

solution

Only when the daughter understands that the Ways of thinking or behaving that make life difficult for her stem from her relationship with her mother, can she cope with them. Sometimes it is enough to know that, for example, the source of their insecurity lies in their childhood. Sometimes, however, it takes a long time to come to terms with it, possibly with the help of a psychotherapist.

 

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