Why is monogamy difficult for you

The Monogamy Lie Can Man Really Be Faithful?

Mammals are naturally unfaithful. With humans, however, the ideal of monogamy has established itself. Are we acting against our nature if we remain loyal to our partners for a lifetime?

Koko met her boyfriend Louis a few months ago. It was very quick. Even after a date, they had wild sex. Koko has been pregnant since then. She rests and watches Louis sleep with others. Koko thinks that's okay. She loves Louis and has a child from him. Why shouldn't he be allowed to sleep with others too?

"If you sleep with the same person twice, you already belong to the establishment"

Are you wondering how Koko deals with it so easily? Well, Koko is a bonobo monkey. But not only monkeys, but almost all animals do it as they want. It is a fact: 97 percent of all animal species cheat. The males in particular sleep with multiple partners. This is how they spread their genetic makeup and preserve their species. Lions even keep their own harem for this. But not only the males, also the females live out their sexuality freely. The same goes for insects. Ladybugs, for example, change their partner every two days. But also our closest relatives, like Orangutans, gorillas and chimpanzees lead sex lives like hippies.

In human history there have been many relationship concepts in which men and women have not restricted themselves sexually to one person. Over the years, however, monogamy has prevailed in the western world. It is strengthened to this day by social, religious and moral norms. So do we swear to be loyal to our partners forever, even though it contradicts our nature? Absolute monogamy, the incarnation of man and woman through marriage, has so far only been achieved by one pious couple: the Diplozoon Paradoxa. These two fish parasites meet and grow together with the bodies after the first date. No chance for an affair.

Trained by morality

How is it now with us humans? Are we really monogamous or are we just squeezing ourselves into a social corset of faithfulness? Shouldn't we have learned about affairs and divorces long ago? According to studies by sex researchers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, Every highly intelligent and socialized species in nature has multiple and temporally overlapping sexual relationships. Only humans have gotten used to it, morals have trained them, the author couple said in an interview with Look.

Other authors also provoke conservative sex researchers with their theses. The sociologist Eric Anderson describes in his book "The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating" that 78% of men cheat on their partner even though they love her. The reason for this is that men naturally need sex with multiple partners. The psychologist couple David Barash and Judith Lipton also describe in their book “The Myth of Monogamy” that monogamy practically does not occur in nature. However, the cheater - with humans as with animals - would be reluctant to be caught. Because both risk being thrown out of the cave or nest. Many a male is even badly mistreated by the female: The red-backed forest salamander female immediately smells the foreign sexual fragrances of the competitor and takes revenge on her husband with heavy bites. So isn't monogamy in our nature, but jealousy?

Dilemma: Open or Exclusive Relationship?

Despite the noise in some animal chambers: In the majority of cases, nature has decided against sexual fidelity. However, man is in constant conflict. Open relationships are an option, but not very common. Many fear that they will feel guilty or that jealousy will eat away at the relationship. An affair without any commitment is tingling at the beginning, but often one of the two falls in love at the end. In the end, is a person's desire to bond stronger than their natural sex drive? Evolutionary psychologist and biologist David Barash also shares the opinion that monogamy in humans is unnatural. Serial monogamy, on the other hand, i.e. several consecutive monogamous relationships, could work. Because Monogamy is against nature, but humans have a hormonal and neuronal need for attachment. In addition, pure nature is not always the best, according to the evolutionary psychologist. Cultural inventions can also be something very beautiful, such as playing a musical instrument or learning a foreign language. In the end, is it just as naive to believe that a person can be eternally loyal as to believe that a person does not need a firm, exclusive bond?

Cuddly mouse or rammel gorilla?

Sex and being faithful is perhaps just a cult of our time. And not everyone likes every trend. But for many it is good that their partner only has sex with them. What narrows some makes others feel like they have something unique. And bonobo monkey or not - if we look at the 3 percent of the animals that are loyal, that can also delight: prairie voles, for example, need to cuddle so much that they look for a partner who they can snuggle up to for their entire life . Albatrosses remain loyal despite a lifelong long-distance relationship. Every year or two, the albatross couple meet on an island and have exciting sex. Unfortunately, humans have the difficult task of finding the middle between cuddling vole and pounding gorilla.

The fox knows the answer again

The sex researcher couple Ryan and Jethá emphasize that they do not want to advise against relationships with their sober knowledge of cheating. Just the overrated romantic image of lifelong fidelitythey want to correct that. It would help our sex life if we were more pragmatic. Otherwise disappointment, pain and frustration follow.

However, not everyone is made for an open relationship. Under no circumstances do typical relationship problems such as mistrust, doubt or jealousy fizzle out with this variant. It is a common fallacy to believe that jealousy is directly related to the fear of the partner's infidelity. Nevertheless, there are women and men who can definitely separate sex and love and feel freer with several sex partners. This is granted to you in the name of evolution! Anyone else who would rather be somewhere between security and freedom should be as smart as a fox: Red foxes love freedom and travel a lot alone. Nevertheless, they live in a social family network and usually have the same partner for years.

Photo: iStock

Please enter a valid email address & accept terms and conditions.

Thank you very much! You have successfully registered for our weekly newsletter. We have sent you a confirmation email.