How do you get out of the breakup

Process separation: How to get through the phases of separation

A breakup is usually a shock and turns life completely upside down. It is completely normal for the failed relationship to be followed by a period of grief. It is even important in order to accept the facts and then to be able to look ahead positively again. Here you can find out which phases of separation almost everyone goes through and how you can get through this time well.

Separation - a mess of feelings

Perhaps it has been announced for some time, perhaps it came as a complete surprise: No matter how a breakup goes, it always plunges those involved into emotional chaos. Shock, pain, disappointment, anger, hope, existential fears, self-doubt, jealousy - in the beginning we go through a rollercoaster of emotions that first have to be sorted out so that we can deal with the new life situation. This can take a while and usually takes place over several phases in which we emotionally adjust to the change.

The 5 phases of separation

Everyone experiences a breakup differently and everyone deals with the separation pain differently. But in general we go through five phases of separation, each of which is different in length and intensity. They can be compared with the processing of grief, after all, we also grieve after a lost person after a relationship has gone:

1st phase: denial

In phase 1 we just don't want to admit the separation. We find it difficult to accept that suddenly everything should be over. We try to simply suppress the fact, distract ourselves or keep looking for contact with the ex-partner. Friends and family will not be informed about the breakup, as we secretly hope that it will only be a brief relationship crisis and that everything will soon work itself out again.

2nd phase: Inner emotional chaos

When we gradually realize that the breakup is indeed true, we usually experience a wave of anger and sadness. Anger at the ex-partner for causing us this pain, or anger at ourselves because we blame ourselves for the breakup or resenting being with that person for so long. Not infrequently we seek revenge, want to let the ex share in our pain and punish him or her for the breakup. But feelings of revenge do not get us any further. In hindsight, we feel even worse when we realize what we've done. Therefore: Let your anger out, react, but not on your ex-partner.

3rd phase: rescue attempt

After the inner anger, some people have a glimmer of hope. Maybe the relationship can still be saved? Maybe if I change We try to negotiate with the ex and make promises to try again.

4th phase: Emotional low

If phase 3 is unsuccessful, we often plunge into an emotional low, a kind of depression. This can even manifest itself in physical complaints, such as loss of appetite, sleep problems, listlessness and a lack of motivation to do everyday things. We mourn the past love, we only remember the nice hours together and we are firmly convinced that we will never find a similarly great partner again. This depressive phase is absolutely normal and helps us to overcome the breakup. However, it should not last too long and become a permanent low. After a certain amount of time, you should venture back into the company of people and do something with friends. If you can no longer get out of the valley of emotions on your own, you can seek the help of a therapist. In technical jargon, this is called an adjustment disorder.

5th phase: acceptance and a fresh start

No matter how long you lived through the other phases of separation: In the end, you can accept the separation and look ahead positively again. Some people process a breakup very quickly, while others take longer. But one day you can close one door and open a new door, behind which completely new perspectives for your life are hidden. You can finally assume that this relationship wasn't meant to last forever and maybe gradually build a friendly relationship with your ex-partner. Or at least one that is not marked by hurt, anger and resentment.

How can I process and overcome the separation?

Lovesickness can be very painful and can also be very physical. It is good not to suppress and allow this pain to occur. Because this is the only way you can emotionally process the breakup. However, this phase should be overcome soon so that you can find your way back to life. Here are 7 tips to help you process the breakup more easily:


1. Talk about it

Talk about the pain of separation from your soul, preferably soon after the separation. The more openly you talk about it with friends or relatives, the easier it will be for you to accept the breakup as a fact. Plus, you don't have to eat the pain inside you, which can be a great relief.

2. Allow your feelings

Do you feel like crying? Then let the tears flow. Are you really mad? Then scream the frustration from your soul, look for a punching bag or react to sports. Pushing aside the feelings only makes the grief last longer. So let it out.

3. Write down the separation from the soul

Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down everything you would like to say to your ex, unfiltered. It's always better than sending him an angry message that you may regret shortly afterwards. Read the note through again with all your thoughts from a distance. You will notice that you would delete a lot of it afterwards. And the best thing about it: Once you put it on paper, it is no longer on your mind.

4. Be positive about the breakup

Perhaps it is also good that you broke up? Perhaps your partner had unloved traits that you no longer have to come to terms with? Perhaps you have missed your freedom and can now do whatever you feel like doing again? At first glance, the new situation as a single is of course unfamiliar, but everything in life has its advantages.

5. Redesign your life

Do you have the feeling that without your partner you are lost and you do not know where to go in life? Then, for example, coaching could open up new perspectives for you and help you find your own strengths and appreciate yourself more. Because sometimes a breakup is also a turning point in order to realize your own dreams and desires. Now you finally have the freedom to take your life into your own hands. New hobbies, a trip, activities with friends - look for things that are fun and give you strength.

6. Get rid of memories

Are there gifts from your ex-partner and memories of holidays together scattered around the apartment? Then put everything in a box so that a relic doesn't keep reminding you of the exe. If you are brave, you just throw things away. If you can't part with it right away, put the box in the basement. At some point you will be able to throw off this ballast.

7. Be open to new things

Maybe your ex wasn't the love of your life at all? Maybe you are finally free for an even better romantic adventure? Keep your eyes open and get involved in new flirtations after all the heartache. Probably the next flirt is not the right one, but the confirmation alone is balm for your soul. And at some point you will find the right partner.